Self Talk with Rachel Astarte
Self Talk takes a conversational look at how we can show up in the world—for the world. If you're on a journey to your true self, this is your next stop.
Self Talk with Rachel Astarte
Self Talk #135: Building Your Foundation of Self—Gentleness, the Healing Salve
What you do for yourself, any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself, will…transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you do for others, you’re doing for yourself.
—Pema Chodron
This episode discusses the transformative concept of gentleness as a core principle of inner work.
Discover how being gentle with yourself can heal wounds, reduce self-judgment, and create profound personal growth. Learn about the origins of gentleness, how to practice self-compassion, and why being a "gentle warrior" is a sign of true strength.
Timeline:
0:00-1:22 - Introduction to gentleness as the third core principle of inner work
1:23-3:53 - Etymology and historical meanings of "gentleness"
4:04-5:31 - Exploring self-reflection and softening personal judgments
5:45-9:34 - Addressing fears about being gentle and transforming negative self-talk
9:55-11:29 - The importance of gentleness in personal growth and collective consciousness
11:40-13:36 - Gentleness as strength, not weakness, with examples from the Gentle Warrior Program
13:55-14:22 - Closing thoughts and invitation to be gentle with oneself
•• Correction: The Bible quote on gentleness is from Galatians 5:22-23 ••
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Music:
"Ave Marimba"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
What you do for yourself. Any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you're doing for others, and what you do for others, you're doing for yourself. Pema Chodron. Welcome to Self Talk. I'm Rachel Estarte. Thank you for being here so far.
Speaker 1:In this series on the foundation of self, we've defined what it means to do inner work and why it's important to us and to our extended communities. We've covered non-judgment, which is the lifeblood that runs through our practice of inner work. Last episode we talked about awareness, the first tool we use to become conscious of where we are on the journey of our awakened lives and what we might want to shift or change. We apply non-judgment to what we find, some of which we may find distasteful, some of which we may find distasteful. The third and final core principle of foundation of self is gentleness. Gentleness is the practice we apply when these two primary elements of non-judgment and awareness come together. What is gentleness? Gentleness is softness, receptivity, allowing in action. Society celebrates action, but in the way of doing, not being Gentleness is the great exhale, the putting down of heavy bags, the picking up of grace.
Speaker 1:The origins of the word gentle are fascinating, at least to me. I hope you think so too. Gentle has the Proto-Indian European root gene, which means to give birth or beget. It's where we get the medieval Latin gens referring to race or clan. Later, in the early 13th century, the word gentile meant to be well-born or of noble rank and family. In modern French, gentile means someone whose general presentation is nice and kind and friendly. Here's where it gets interesting. Here's where it gets interesting. If you add the suffix ness, n-e-s-s, connoting a state of being to gentle, you get a slightly different meaning which first arose around the year 1300. Gentleness means inherited nature. Fun fact in Middle English the word gentle sometimes meant pagan or heathen of nature, and in the Jewish tradition someone who is a Gentile is someone who is not of the Jewish faith. In the 1610s, the definition of gentleness evolved to mean freedom from harshness or violence. That's broadly how we understand the word today.
Speaker 1:In the Bible, galatians 5.12, gentleness is described as the fruit of the Spirit. Isn't that beautiful. Gentleness is the fruit of the Spirit. Now, it's in reference to the Holy Spirit, but since we hold the divine within us, go visit episode two of this podcast. We can apply it to our individual selves as well. The fruit of our spirit is what we feast on as we do inner work free from harshness or violence. From harshness or violence. What does it mean to be gentle with oneself? Using these definitions, you can come to the answer yourself. What would it be like to treat yourself without harshness? What would it be like to feast on the fruit of your spirit?
Speaker 1:Take a moment to think of one area of your life where you are particularly hard on yourself. We all have them. I know I do. Maybe you're a chronic procrastinator, or you're down on yourself for not having the willpower to stop snacking at night, or something like that. Now, just for a moment, can you imagine softening your feelings about that aspect or situation? Just softening those feelings? What comes up as you do that? Do you feel relief? A little anxiety, maybe, or a lot of anxiety? Maybe there's a combination of both A little relief, and then something kicks in and you feel anxious. Write a few of those feelings down. These are the nuggets of gold you've been panning for. What opens you to a clearer way of being with yourself is the gold, because those resonant truths in you form your solid foundation of self. Likewise, what keeps you stuck is the gold, because now you know exactly what needs your loving and gentle attention.
Speaker 1:How can we be gentle with ourselves? Some of us may bristle when we consider being gentle with ourselves. There may be a fear we'll slip into complacency or get lazy If we procrastinate, for example. Wouldn't it mean that being gentle with ourselves means we would just keep procrastinating or giving ourselves a pass to eat snacks at night? Whatever the issue is, being gentle is not about the topic itself, in other words, procrastination or snacking. It's about our reaction to it. I'll say that again being gentle is not about the thing. It's about our reaction to the thing. This is the gold we're talking about.
Speaker 1:So go back to your list of feelings that you have when you think about being gentle with yourself rather than being hard on yourself. For the feelings of relief, really feel that in your body Like oh, how nice it is to put that weight down and be kinder to myself. Where is that feeling in your body? Lock it in. Create a body memory so that you can recognize it again when you're in alignment with your true self. For the more anxious feelings do the same thing. Where are they in your body. Don't try to change them, just notice them.
Speaker 1:Now turn your attention to the thoughts that arise about being gentle with yourself. It could be they sound something like this Others deserve my gentleness more than I do. It feels uncomfortable to accept this bad behavior. I expect more from myself. I have to be the best at whatever I do. Here's your gold the parts of you that need loving attention. Take each one of those thoughts and hold them tenderly, like birds with broken wings. This is where non-judgment comes in so powerfully in our inner work.
Speaker 1:Take the statement others deserve my gentleness more than I do. Man, that should break your heart. By your heart, I mean your highest self's heart, the heart of your pure consciousness self, the one that knows that ultimately, there is no separation between others and you. Anything else is just a story, and that story comes from childhood wounding. The true self sees that your individual suffering.
Speaker 1:Whatever happened that made you think you don't deserve gentleness, is something that needs love to heal. It takes gentleness to call upon that love. We can't shame or blame our way into correcting a misalignment. Maybe you've tried to do it and generally it doesn't work. That's how we become gentle with ourselves. We see how our life experiences have caused us to create stories that we believe protect us, like I have to be the best at whatever I do, because having high expectations means we're good. In reality, this harshness causes pain. When we are gentle, we can say I see that you've been suffering from this story, let's change it. Then the statement others deserve my gentleness more than I do becomes gentleness belongs to all beings, myself included. I have to be the best at whatever I do becomes whatever I do. I do it fully and consciously. That is my best in that moment. Can you hear the difference? Can you feel the difference in your body? Why is being gentle important? Let's look again at the process of being on the awakened path, building our foundation of self. It is very much the hero's journey.
Speaker 1:Non-judgment is the magic elixir we carry with us at all times. We know we're going to encounter some pretty hairy stuff as we look deeply at our lives and begin to see where we are misaligned. Awareness is the tool we use to cut away the dense overgrowth of persona that we've developed over the years in order to survive and we look objectively at our wounded thought patterns, behaviors and actions. Gentleness is the salve we apply to the wounds we uncover, we can become aware of an unhelpful thought or belief and refrain from judging ourselves for that unhelpful thought or belief. But if we don't apply the salve of gentleness, we don't heal.
Speaker 1:Being gentle with ourselves means to wrap ourselves in a state of grace. It's a reminder of our universal connection to Great Spirit, great Mystery, to God, godhead, holy Spirit. When we give ourselves grace, we heal, but we also strengthen the muscle of awareness of our interconnectedness with all beings, just like that opening quote from Pema Chodron illustrates right. She says what you do for yourself, you're doing for others, and what you do for others, you're doing for yourself. Our fully human individual lives, rich with experience, become a vital contribution to collective consciousness.
Speaker 1:Now I'm anticipating a little pushback about what it means to be gentle. Being gentle does not mean being weak. Some of you might remember Dr Love from the 1980s. That was motivational speaker Leo Buscaglia. He really got this idea of gentleness being the opposite of weakness. He said With this in mind, I invite you to consider yourself a gentle warrior. Now, as we know, a warrior fiercely defends the values and virtues by which they live. The sword the gentle warrior wields is tenderness, compassion and connection.
Speaker 1:There was a study done in Topeka, kansas, around 2008. The report came out in 2008. I'm not exactly sure when they did this experiment, but it was part of the Peaceful Schools Project. Over 200 children in grades three through five participated in a martial arts-based intervention that was designed to reduce aggression and bullying, and it was called the Gentle Warrior Program. The boys who participated displayed less aggression and more helpful behavior toward victims of bullying. There were not significant results found for girls, but there could be many reasons for that. That would be to talk about for another time.
Speaker 1:But what's really interesting is that the overriding cause for this shift in those boys was the practice of empathy. The boys learned self-control and peaceful strategies to resolve conflicts by empathizing with other students. To resolve conflicts by empathizing with other students. Imagine what you could accomplish by showing empathy toward yourself, by being the gentle warrior when, in internal conflict, not the shamer or blamer. Think of how far along your awakened path that could take you right. Speaking of the awakened path, what does that mean? When we talk about awakening, what does that have to do with our inner work? That's what we're going to talk about next time. Until then, be gentle with yourself. You.
